This is Christmas

The lyric says it for me:

So this is Christmas,
And what have you done?
Another year older,
A new one just begun.

Thanks John Lennon.  Thanks a lot.

I realize that the song is meant to inspire hope but it honestly makes me sad.  What HAVE I done this year?  I've worked my ass off.  I know it was worth it in general.  I was able to pay for vacations and new furniture that I desperately needed.  All my clothes were in plastic bins for crying out loud.  I never felt like I wasted my time while I was doing it.  I just made it part of my lifestyle. 

Now that I have nothing to do, however, I feel like I'm wasting time.  It's made worse this week by the fact that my dog is having her own little vacation from me at my mother's house.  There's a yard and my mom's dog and she gets to have a little more fun hanging out in the sun with them rather than being cooped up in the house waiting for me to get home.

I come home and I make dinner.  Then I watch TV.  But TV feels like I'm wasting reading time.  So I turn off the TV and read.  But then reading feels like I'm wasting TV time.

There's nothing left to clean.  There's nothing left to organize.  I've already rearranged my living room.  I physically can't rearrange the bedroom because of the bed to window ratio.

I flat out stared at the wall for a solid thirty minutes the other night.  I supposed that this was mentally clarifying, I zoned out and thought of nothing…but I can't stand it.  I can't allow my brain to be idle.

The holidays are especially weird for me.  I prefer the Christmas season to the day itself.  The day itself has become me sitting alone in my apartment with my Christmas movies and my Chinese food pretending I'm Jewish and that the lack of family doesn't bother me.  I should be grateful for what I have.  I have the opportunity to see some members of my family on Christmas day.

The problem is that I long for the days of Christmas past.  The ones where we were all still living in the same state.  Where I had three Christmases.  Where my Grandparents were still alive.  Where I felt whole.  A lot of my malaise has to do with the fact that I still miss my Grandfather more around this time of year.  This was his favorite time of year.  Most of my happiest family Christmas memories happened at his home.  All of us together opening our gifts in the order of our age.  Now that both he and my Grandma are gone, I can't imagine spending any holiday in their home.  I know that's not fair to the rest of the family who want to do so, but I feel like I want to be selfish with this.  I know that I shouldn't.

Maybe next year.

​Side note about the John Lennon song?  I had no idea Yoko Ono sang in it, I honestly thought it was 100% the children in the background and that's why it was so screechy.