Some days, you just need a cigarette. It’s a disgusting habit and you absolutely should not smoke. But there are times when it would be the perfect thing. There’s a feeling that smokers don’t often talk about that comes along with smoking. The therapeutic and calming feeling. Sure, most of the time we sit and we have a smoke while talking or texting or whatever. It’s absentminded. Inhale. Exhale. Done. There are moments, however, when just sitting and being alone with your thoughts and a cigarette is literally the greatest feeling of the day. I don’t know if it’s because you’re taking part in the act of conscious breathing or if it's the cigarette itself. Even if that conscious breathing involves inhalation of toxic chemicals, smoking is calming. It’s the closest feeling I’ve found to wakeful and aware meditation. Breathe in. Breathe out.
I haven’t had a cigarette in two years now. It was never the nicotine for me. No, it was the social aspect. It was the habit and the comfort. It was a forced break from my work day. Two years of “Oh! You quit?! How’d you do it?” I just stopped. You can just stop. You totally can. I know you can.
All that to tell you that I don’t miss it. I don’t think about it every day. That being said? Today and in this moment? There is nothing I want more in the world than a cigarette. I want to feel that feeling again. Breathe in. Breathe out. Don’t think about anything else. Inhale. Exhale. I’m sitting at my desk here at work and I can walk over to at least seven different people and bum a smoke. I’m not going to. At least, I’m pretty sure that I’m not going to.
There’s nothing wrong with my day. I’m not anxious or upset or frustrated. I’ve not experienced any of my usual triggers. I just need that moment. Breathe in. Breathe out. That moment is clean sheets and shaved legs. It’s fresh baked biscuits. It’s cold water after a workout.
I will not have a cigarette in this moment. No matter how much I think I want one. I’m really just a masochist at heart.
White blank page
Ah, here it is. The first blog post of the page. Well, that’s not technically true. I actually had four or five posts from back in July that I deleted prior to this one. They were too vague and angsty. Angsty isn’t a word but it’s how the posts came across. The last thing I want to be is whiny.
I’ve been thinking about blogging for years now. What better way to relieve the itch to write than by blogging? Every attempt I’ve made so far ends up sounding like a damn diary entry. All of the articles I’ve read about getting started with blogging (and there are entirely too many) tell you that you should start out by picking your topic, or your niche. Find your voice and your audience and stick to it. Awesome. Thanks for the advice. I wasn’t able to find a single article about HOW to find your voice. How do I narrow down what I want to say when I want to say everything?
The way I figure it, a blog is somewhat organic, it's going to start out as one thing but could morph into something else. I’ve already decided what I’ll write about, pop culture, geek/nerd stuff, books, etc. I’ll start there and see where it goes.
This blog isn’t meant to be a companion to the CTRL+C podcast, but you shouldn’t be surprised if I talk about it from time to time.
I guess that’s it for round one. Round two will be on its way soon.