Looking Back

Ten years ago I said yes to something that almost everyone else would have said no to.  In doing so, I completely changed the course of my life.  Everything I have now can be traced back to that one moment of saying "yes".  I don't usually do the sentimental thing for everyone to read, but this one had such a profound effect on my life that I felt it was worth sharing.


What came immediately after the "yes" was one of the most intensely emotional experiences I've ever had.  It led to my current job.  It involved some heartbreak. It led to me moving to PA and back.  It led to me adopting my dog. It led to me moving to Jacksonville.  It led to my relative financial stability (it's all relative).  It led to my current social circle, the podcast, and my creative re-awakening.


Saying "yes" to this one insane thing taught me more about myself than I think I would have learned on my own.  I know who Linzi is, because of this.  I know what I want out of life and who I want in my life, because of this.  It recalibrated me emotionally.  It offered me perspective.  The first few years were manic.  Up and down.  Love and hate.  So much anger and sadness.  I lost forty pounds.  I gained it back (and then some).  I found that I had courage I didn't know I had.  I walked away and broke my own heart in order to save it.


Hindsight is everything in situations like this.  I look at it now and I don't recognize the woman I was.  Should I have married a man after three weeks?  Likely not.  I could have saved myself an immense amount of grief.  I would have missed out on a lot of love though.  Even though the marriage ended and the grieving was substantial, I also know that I've gained a lifelong friend.  It sounds odd to say it like that, but I believe it to be true.  There's no ill will.  I am confident that if I needed something he would help.  There aren't many people in the world who truly know ME.  It's nice to know that there is a piece of my heart with his name forever etched in it.


I took a leap that turned my stomach in knots.  But I never regretted it.  And even though they aren't in my life as much anymore, I am forever grateful to the person who had the courage to ask the question to which I answered "yes".