just breathe

​Some days, you just need a cigarette.  It’s a disgusting habit and you absolutely should not smoke.  But there are times when it would be the perfect thing.  There’s a feeling that smokers don’t often talk about that comes along with smoking.  The therapeutic and calming feeling.  Sure, most of the time we sit and we have a smoke while talking or texting or whatever.  It’s absentminded.  Inhale.  Exhale.  Done.  There are moments, however, when just sitting and being alone with your thoughts and a cigarette is literally the greatest feeling of the day.  I don’t know if it’s because you’re taking part in the act of conscious breathing or if it's the cigarette itself.  Even if that conscious breathing involves inhalation of toxic chemicals, smoking is calming.  It’s the closest feeling I’ve found to wakeful and aware meditation.  Breathe in.  Breathe out.
 
I haven’t had a cigarette in two years now.  It was never the nicotine for me.  No, it was the social aspect.  It was the habit and the comfort.  It was a forced break from my work day.  Two years of “Oh!  You quit?!  How’d you do it?”  I just stopped.  You can just stop.  You totally can.  I know you can.
 
All that to tell you that I don’t miss it. I don’t think about it every day.  That being said?  Today and in this moment?  There is nothing I want more in the world than a cigarette.  I want to feel that feeling again.  Breathe in.  Breathe out.  Don’t think about anything else.  Inhale.  Exhale.  I’m sitting at my desk here at work and I can walk over to at least seven different people and bum a smoke.  I’m not going to.  At least, I’m pretty sure that I’m not going to.
 
There’s nothing wrong with my day.  I’m not anxious or upset or frustrated.  I’ve not experienced any of my usual triggers.  I just need that moment.  Breathe in.  Breathe out.  That moment is clean sheets and shaved legs.  It’s fresh baked biscuits.  It’s cold water after a workout.
 
I will not have a cigarette in this moment.  No matter how much I think I want one.  I’m really just a masochist at heart.