Do You Know How to Wallow?

I apparently do not understand how wallowing is supposed to work.  I lost my second job last night.  I got the standard corporate answers as to why.  Restructuring, low workload, new management…


It's always the same reasons.  Financially this is only moderately panic inducing.  I won't starve.  I won't end up without a home.  My bills will continue to be paid and be paid on time.  It's the crushing debts that are the issue.  I originally took the second job as a way to make some extra cash in order to pay down all that delightful credit card debt I acquired.  It worked!  To an extent.  Once I got comfortable I started buying things again.  I paid off some debts and I acquired new ones.  I paid that down and bought more stuff I didn't need. 


Some things I DID need.  I needed a dresser.  All of my clothes was being housed in stackable plastic bins.  I am no longer a college student and I needed a real dresser.  This was purchased alongside a bedframe and head/footboard.  I haven't had one of those since I was a kid.  I was adulting.


When I got the news last night I ended up having a good ol' fashioned meltdown.  Without even realizing it I was sobbing AND online looking for something new.  My brain was doing two things at once.  I was having two extreme emotions at the same time.  Extreme sadness and extreme logical thought.  Since I found out, I have cancelled all my subscription services (except Netflix, I'm not a monster!), reworked the budget, adjusted my 401K contributions, applied for one full time new job and one that is part time work-from-home.  The fill time thing is a lark.  There's likely no way I'd get it, but it is my dream job.  Couldn’t bring myself not to try.


I'm still sad about it.  I teared up a little today thinking about it.  I loved that second job.  I enjoyed it.  I enjoyed the money it provided.  While it's incredibly sad that we live in a world in which a person has to work two jobs to live comfortably; I am forever grateful that at the same time I live in a world where I can work part time from home.


While I sort everything out, I will get to write and read more.  I'll get to work on my websites.  I'll be able to spend more time doing the things that I enjoy doing that I haven't been able to do for the last year and a half.


I should be curled up on the couch with junk food and my favorite show, mourning the loss of my hefty second income.  But I can't.  I'm a planner.  My wheels have to be in motion at all times otherwise I'll stop to notice they are a little wobbly.